We come into this life as babies, helpless, needing food, protection and love. And for many people that’s most of their life. But eventually there is a doorway we may come to, one way or another, and at that point we realize that survival is not all that life is about.

For our animal nature it is; we can’t really deny that aspect of ourselves. It doesn’t work, to deny our humanity—our physical body, our emotional heart, our mind—even though they may give us trouble, or be difficult to manage. Truly our body is our vehicle. Our body, mind and heart are vehicles for our aliveness, our spirit, our presence; our true Self.

So we get to that doorway, and maybe we go through the doorway and realize vastness, or the infinite, the unknown; the mystery. There are many names to describe that realization, that discovery, that opening; that beginning on the path.

Of course not everyone who discovers that opening goes through the doorway, or continues on that journey. As I was saying recently, it’s like Frodo going to Mordor—it’s a rough trip! But once we’ve been called, there’s no choice but to climb the mountain—not to is no longer an option. You’re fortunate, actually, to find yourself at that point. And the question then becomes, how do you find the support to finish the journey?

Fortunately, support is available. That’s the good news. And we also learn how to take care of ourselves along the way. That’s really a big part of it—learning to take care of ourselves. And because our mind wants to understand what’s happening—the mind’s nature is to want to understand, to make meaning, to organize—we often draw conclusions and develop beliefs about what is happening, and these beliefs frequently become obstacles to the journey.

So we learn how to return to the mystery of not knowing. This is not the same as ignorance; rather, it is wisdom, to surrender to not knowing. And when you find the truth that you are, when you actually know it as being knowing, or knowing through being, that’s the surrendering, the guide, the teacher, the teaching and the path, all in one.

And by learning to trust, you begin to find that trust through the heart. Not the emotional heart, but the big heart, the heart of vastness. Not the heart of clinging or of need, from which we, as babies or animals, normally function; but rather through that doorway, the big heart, the heart of fulfillment, the heart that is fulfilled. And we trust, because the nature of that heart is trust, is acceptance. This is not a practice, not something you have to learn. It’s already…it.

So we begin to trust that, and it takes us, it nurtures us along the way. But then we go back through the doorway, we go back into struggle, into identification, into projection. Until it hurts too much; until we learn to let go, learn to allow the transformation of fire to alchemize us from lead into gold. That’s all. That’s what is really meant by being true to oneself in the deepest sense. Not true to one’s self as ego, but true to one’s own truth.

Part of how we learn to take care of ourselves on the journey is by having an attitude toward our struggle that allows it to be fully experienced. I’m not talking about acting out, but about being with the arising of attachment or reaction without drawing conclusions about what it means—that’s the tricky part. Because as soon as we identify our struggle, as soon as we give it an identity, we create more separation, and thereby keep the struggle running—and running us—unconsciously.

So the simplest instruction is to get out of your thinking and into your feeling, however painful as that might be. And often it can be very painful, or emotionally cathartic, or intense. And of course the baby, our human nature, wants to be comfortable, and we have a culture that places comfort on a very high pedestal. It’s a very fine line, a very subtle distinction.

It requires experience to really trust the process, because it continues on and on. People awaken, and then go back into identification and ask themselves, “how come?” Or they have an experience of awakening, and think, “I want this all the time. How can I have this all the time? How can I become free? How can I become free of my struggle?” Or the emotional energy can be such that it can become despairing: “It’s never going to happen,” they may tell themselves. “I’m going to keep having to go through this same old stuff, over and over again. It’s never going to end.” It can be very discouraging, to the point of despair.

So it requires in some ways a tremendous will to be free, to stay with the process. And even as one progresses along the way, it often gets more intense as one becomes more conscious. You feel things more deeply, you become more sensitive. It’s not worse, necessarily, but it is more vivid.

So coming together like we’re doing tonight is very helpful, because it creates an environment of support, where we in a sense become reacquainted with the truth of ourselves, and may be even imbued with more of that presence through our being together. That really does help. And when we get together for longer periods, like on retreat, the opportunity is heightened in some way, deepened.

It’s really a pleasure to be with you, I have to say that; a great pleasure. Monday night is kind of a funny time to make it over here to this spot, but I have to say I’m glad you did, and I’m glad I did. It’s nice to have a forum where we can, in a comfortable, intimate environment, really explore truth together. I don’t really think about what I went through to be where I am in this moment. All that kind of drops away. The years on the zafu, the many, many years on the zafu. And all the pilgrimaging around the world, to teachers and so forth. And the extraordinary longing to be free. The intensity of that longing.

Q. Could you say more about this vastness that gives you comfort?

Jon: Do you know what I’m talking about?

Q. Yes, I know what you’re talking about, very much. That’s why I wanted to hear more about his vastness that gives you support. It seems to be as you say, once you get going you can’t get into it, and you think you want to quit. But all of a sudden you find out, kind of like an addiction, you can’t quit. In other words, there’s only one direction to go, and that’s forward. But it’s not fun anymore. I’ve heard about the Dark Night of the Soul, but that sounds like one night to me. In reality it goes on and on.

Jon: Yes. Yes, I know. It’s important to be able to feel, to be able to be the feeling. Not just to feel, but to be the feeling, whatever that is. In this moment, it could be sadness, or fear, or anger. The covering could be emotional. And the emotional realm is very often the doorway to the bliss of vastness. We often think, “I don’t want to feel the grief, the anger, the disappointment, loss…” But we’re human beings, and these are all part of our experience. They really just are, and there’s nothing wrong with them, and there’s nothing wrong with us. They don’t mean anything about us, they’re just what we go through.

So when you’re having a hard time, when it’s the Dark Night of the Soul, what is that feeling, and can you be that? We want to be the bliss. We want to be on the other side of the door. But the only way to be on the other side of the door is to become the door, become the resistance, become the suffering, the pain; whatever it is. The frustration that we’re not free. We want the goodies! But…we are the goodies, already. It’s already done. Freedom isn’t something that we attain. When we drop that which we’re not, we discover we already are That. Follow me?

Q. Yes, I do, very much.

Jon: You do, I can feel it. So actually there’s nothing to do, except to be with what is, as it is, in the moment.

Q. But you feel like you’re causing your own suffering, that’s so frustrating…

Jon: Yes, it seems like that. But the truth is that it just perpetuates itself. And the thought about it actually keeps it going. So it’s almost like you have to backtrack to the center. It’s easy to get out on the surface, which is judgment, analysis, comparison; it’s the head energy, mental energy. It’s really external, it’s way out there. It’s not here, it’s not really the truth. So then we backtrack, we go “Oh-oh, I’m feeling uncomfortable,” or agitated or whatever.

So the trick then is to drop that label, drop “I am feeling agitated.” Drop the I, and all there is is agitation. The energy of it. The feeling of it. The pain of it. That’s all. Not, “Oh, I’m really doing it now.” That instruction, if you get it, will take you all the way. It absolutely will take you the whole way. It’s the hardest thing to get. Because you have to keep getting it, over and over and over again.

And as you move more into vastness, everything is “yes”. You know what I mean? I don’t mean be a masochist; this can easily be misunderstood. Rather, it’s that you know who you are, you’re familiar with that, you’re steeped in it. Learning to let go is really learning to feel completely the holding on. To allow yourself to be 100% holding on, is the only way to be 100% letting go. It’s a paradox. Otherwise we keep the holding on going with our thoughts, with our judgments, with our analysis, our conclusions.

And then we move into not knowing. Sure, you can play with your mind; it’s fun. Byron Katie, for example, does a mental thing to unhinge the mental thing: “Is it really true? Am I really my own worst enemy?” You can challenge any of your beliefs. The truth is that our beliefs are not true. They’re beliefs. Beliefs are not true, and they’re not false; they’re just beliefs. They’re useful or not useful. They’re functional, like software. They’re functional, or they’re dysfunctional.

You’re very much here. I’m glad you’re here. Really let yourself feel even the difficulty. The sadness. As we become less armored, we may think “I have to be strong, I can’t be weak.” Or we may feel vulnerable, feel emotion; and then there is judgment. Not for everyone, but for a lot of people.

Q. You keep asking yourself, do I have what it takes?

Jon: Yes, and you can also ask, is that really the truth? Remember, you are already It. You don’t need anything. It’s not like you have to have something to get through. I understand what you mean, “Will I be able to hang in there?” Maybe. It’s a valid question—nobody knows the answer to that. And there may be real pain there. And there may be fear or sadness or grief about that: “Will I be free?” But “I” never gets free. “I”, the ego, is the antithesis of free. Freedom is already done. It’s already what we are.

Q. But not wanting to be the pain, not wanting…

Jon: Be the not wanting. Be the not wanting. That’s where we miss it—it’s completely unconscious. We’re really focused on the bullseye, the goal. And we think the not wanting is motivating us, but in fact it’s preventing us. It’s actually the obstacle. It’s very tricky. And once you get out of your head, you’ll get it. Each time, you’ll get it. And every time you have to keep re-getting it. People can’t believe they have to keep re-getting it. “How come I forgot this?” And gradually you get that that’s part of the process, you just forget it. And you just keep remembering.

When you’re in a transmission process like this, it activates that which is holding back. It brings it to the foreground, usually. People think, “it’s so intense, I don’t know if I can handle this.” But you just take as much as you can take, that’s all. And then distract yourself for a while, turn on the TV. Surf the internet. Whatever! Take a break.

It’s similar to exercise; one of the most important aspects of exercising is not-exercising. Taking a break. Not overdoing it. But we go, “Oh no, I’ve gotta get enlightened, I’ve gotta sit on that zafu 24 hours a day 7 days a week until I’m enlightened…” Hey, I was there. I’m just glad I didn’t tear the cartilage in my knees. I definitely paid a price for all that, but, hey, I was young. A lot younger, anyway. But a lot of my friends did wreck their knees, and their backs. They did a lot of damage to themselves physically, trying to get enlightened. It was ignorance. They just didn’t know. Nowadays, we can sit in chairs. You don’t have to sit in a full lotus, torture yourself (unless it’s comfortable to sit like that, of course). Some of the first people I studied with actually believed that if you didn’t sit full lotus you weren’t going to get enlightened. Talk about a limiting belief!

Q. What is waking up?

Jon: Waking up is what you are. Waking up is the distinction, the conscious distinction, between suffering and freedom. Before waking up there is no consciousness of freedom. It’s a concept maybe, but not experience. Waking up is the taste of truth. Waking up is not enlightenment; waking up is only the taste, or glimpse of the truth, of the possibility, of what can come to fruition. But as an experience it can be very powerful, very moving. It can completely change one’s life, to have an awakening. Or it can be avoided, and pushed to the side, and not followed through on. By going back into identification, into just being comfortable, we might not necessarily go forward. There’s no guarantee of going forward.

Intention is probably important, but ultimately I think it’s really a non-choice. In other words, suffering simply becomes unacceptable. You’re just not willing to suffer anymore—even though you do! This is different than wanting to be comfortable; wanting to be comfortable avoids pain, seeks pleasure. Wanting to be free, on the other hand, dives in through the pain.

It’s ongoing work to pay attention—not just when you’re meditating, but all the time. Yes, meditation is great. It can be very helpful—not necessarily in all cases, but for some people it can be. For others, though, it’s just another way to stay in denial. To go to sleep. Whatever. But you’re awake! And there’s still the stuff at the same time, right? So, can you allow yourself to experience that conflict?

Dive totally into this moment. Don’t distract yourself. Cut out all the distractions, every one of them; cultivate one-pointedness. Nothing less than that is going to work for you. It’s right in this moment I’m talking about, not tomorrow or whenever. You can feel it; you just felt it. Right now. That’s it. You’re distracting yourself with all the stuff.

That’s why in meditation practice they have you follow the breath, to cultivate one-pointedness. It’s not attention; it’s complete surrender. It’s what Poonjaji used to talk about, being completely still. That’s it, being completely, 100% still. And what happens is that you get the presence, but the heart is blocked, and that’s where stuff is going to be moving. And if you don’t want that, if we avoid the pain that’s in the heart, the mind can really go on a trip. It really gets on a treadmill, fueled by the pain that’s not being felt. The mind will give you every reason in the world not to be here. It will try its best to figure everything out—that’s what it does.

So whatever you’re feeling, right now, be that, without drawing conclusions. Even if there are conclusions, just let them go on in the background. Don’t give your attention to the conclusions; give your intention. Give your attention to This, that’s what intention means. This is intention, right now. One-pointedness is intention, that’s what it means. It’s not a concept in your head. That’s not intention, that’s willpower.

And that’s ok at the beginning. A little willpower, no problem. Or you use willpower when you need it. Like a hybrid car; it can switch systems. For instance, you need a little willpower to get yourself here on Monday nights. Right? Once you’re here, you can let go of that willpower. But if you’re always in willpower, then you’re stuck.

The good news is that you’re not unconscious. You’re familiar with this truth that you are. That’s the good news. The human experience that needs to be traversed as a result of that is a very important part of the journey—it can’t really be bypassed. We’re emotional beings, we’re sentient beings, that’s what that means. We’re feeling, we feel. We live in a culture that’s top-heavy. Too much in the head—information overload. We have to get down, into the body, into the heart. That’s what’s important. Otherwise the mind is a torture chamber.